Have you ever wanted to let it all out? Just cry and scream till you don't exist anymore? Wait you have to hold it all in because God forbid you cry because you have so much hurt, regret, and stress bottled up inside of you that it is beyond hard to handle. Nobody will ever understand the hurt another person is going though and even if they did, would they really give a damn??
I feel this way a lot lately. I have been second guessing myself all over the place in my life. I don't want to settle for the crap I'm dealing with. When I was younger I never would have, in fact I didn't. Now I do, I tell myself it is for the sake of my children. Who am I kidding though? It is because I'm sick of fighting and I'm lazy.
People ask me how I'm doing and all I can say is that I'm fine. In all reality I'm not fine, hell I'm not even ok! I hate the way my life is going entirely.
I don't want to live here in Michigan, I want to move down South to Georgia, where my best friend lives and where it is almost always sunny and 75 degrees. Where people are just plain nice because they can be. Where I can up and go to the beach just because the sun is out or I want to go seashell searching.
I miss the happiness that I once had. More than I ever thought that I would. I even miss the happiness that my ex had given me. Even though he was the biggest piece of crap in the world.
If I could go back in time, I would go back at least 10 years. That way I could get it right. I would do better in school. change my friends, since apparently they never were my friends to begin with. I would have done things different with my few serious relationships that I did have.
I hate that I'm 26 years old and I live with all of this hate and regret every single day. It is not fair to not only myself but all of the people around me. I want to change so badly that it makes me miserable knowing that I can't. The only person that knows anything about these feelings is my best friend and now whoever is reading this, if it is even being read.
