The fight on the inside

Have you ever wanted to let it all out? Just cry and scream till you don't exist anymore? Wait you have to hold it all in because God forbid you cry because you have so much hurt, regret, and stress bottled up inside of you that it is beyond hard to handle. Nobody will ever understand the hurt another person is going though and even if they did, would they really give a damn??

I feel this way a lot lately. I have been second guessing myself all over the place in my life. I don't want to settle for the crap I'm dealing with. When I was younger I never would have, in fact I didn't. Now I do, I tell myself it is for the sake of my children. Who am I kidding though? It is because I'm sick of fighting and I'm lazy.

People ask me how I'm doing and all I can say is that I'm fine. In all reality I'm not fine, hell I'm not even ok! I hate the way my life is going entirely.

I don't want to live here in Michigan, I want to move down South to Georgia, where my best friend lives and where it is almost always sunny and 75 degrees. Where people are just plain nice because they can be. Where I can up and go to the beach just because the sun is out or I want to go seashell searching.

I miss the happiness that I once had. More than I ever thought that I would. I even miss the happiness that my ex had given me. Even though he was the biggest piece of crap in the world.

If I could go back in time, I would go back at least 10 years. That way I could get it right. I would do better in school. change my friends, since apparently they never were my friends to begin with. I would have done things different with my few serious relationships that I did have.

I hate that I'm 26 years old and I live with all of this hate and regret every single day. It is not fair to not only myself but all of the people around me. I want to change so badly that it makes me miserable knowing that I can't. The only person that knows anything about these feelings is my best friend and now whoever is reading this, if it is even being read.

Blah!

So I am hosting a Pure Romance Party in less than two weeks. Ok cool right. Yep blah. I have "friends" that I have invited but want to point blank ignore me about getting this together. I have a tendency to over do it when it comes to party food. I hate for people to walk away hungry and I damn sure don't want anyone saying how terrible the food was. I want them to have a great time and ask for the recipe! So why is it that I can show up for other people and be there yet they can not do it for me?? I mean people that I have known for years that I grew up with and went to school with. Yet they can not acknowledge me whatsoever, yet a few people that I have met in the last four years are actually there for me. I know just let it go and move on I don't need shitty people in my life or around my kids, but I still have hope that people will change and be better a friend like I try to be. This behavior is what makes me not only not want friends but also to cancel my even and not plan anymore.

that crazy thing called life

Don't get me wrong I'm no expert but I know what I don't want and most of what I do want! I want the best of the best for my kids, even when I don't agree with it. I want to be loved by a person that wants nothing but me to fill the space in their heart, kids don't count they have a totally different love in your heart. So why is it so hard to have these things?? I was never told how hard all of this would be and how unhappy it would make me from time to time. I want this love and I wish it would come from my husband but it seems like every time life is going good to moderately great, something happens. Like finding pictures on his phone of some random things going on in a bar from almost a month ago, or pictures in his bag of some random person. No they are not naked or interacting with each other in anyway, but still, who in the hell is this whack-a-doodle that I married? Why is it that I seem to have such shitty luck with boys, guys, men whatever in the hell ya wanna call em!!

It is what it is

August 2013

so this has been a really, really crap few weeks. My ex-boyfriend died, yeah I wouldn't really care if it was my ex-husband but w.e. it is what it is. We had a serious history, we were together for two years, lived together, got puppies together. He was my first serious boyfriend and yes he had a rough side but I think everyone does. We had a lot of communication after the relationship for years. yes the past couple of years we haven't really kept in touch but it just hit me really hard. hell it still is, I cant say it out loud that he is gone with out me thinking he is going to walk in the door and say "oop my bad just wanted to see if you still care!!" I'm still angry though I have so many words running around in my head and not sure how to get them out of my head. His family, ok his sister is pissing me off too. She just is blocking me out like since I was his first serious girlfriend (from 10 years ago) like I don't count since I wasn't the most recent like I never mattered.

life

things are better for me. My husband isn't such a jerkoff anymore, which is nice considering there are so many other things we have going on that fighting will not help. In all honesty things are great, yes I wish he would get out of fantasy land where he thinks we are millionaires and can afford any and everything but other than that life is good. Just hope that the holidays are a bit better this year and not so crazy. heck maybe I will get a new car since the one I have is a huge hunk of junk, I will never own another Ford for the rest of my days!!

Saturday

here it is the weekend again, (my husband is an out of town truck driver all week), you would think that he would be home with his wife and 3 kids. nope he went off fishing this morning, which means before the sun came up and gone till after 1pm. now don't get me wrong he needs his own time but guess what, so do I. I'm home all week alone with 3 kids. yes I love them but I need time too not just bed time alone time. just uugghhh

In search of a real man

yes I know the title is just a fairy tale but that doesn't mean a woman cant dream right? Yes I love my husband but he no longer wants to be my husband, now what? I have three kids, no job because im a stay at home mom, and I have no time for school or a paying job (trust me I have tried). I want the man I married back, I wish he would get his head out of his ass and realize that its not a hat.